Before Knowledge
by obsessedwithstabler
Summary: Yet she's right there, catching me every single time. And I've been taking that for granted so badly. I don't deserve her, but I'm going to try to fix that somehow.


Wow, how amazing was Spooked? I mean, I had my ideas, but... wow. Elliot holding Liv like that? God, why can't Wolf just let them be happy? LOL. Well, this is number 1 of my post eps, missing scenes, and alternate versions for this episode. I have SO many ideas that I can't even start to describe them! LOL. This is one of them, and in it, he's still with Kathy, but Eli doesn't exist. So enjoy, and please review!

Disclaimer: Not mine!

EOEOEOEOEOEOEO

I never thought I could be filled with so much hate and so much fear in the same second.

My best friend, my partner, was in the arms of a deranged gunman, and all I could do was stand there like an imbecile and offer him whatever he wanted. But the fact is, I would have given it to him in exchange for the safe return of my partner. She looked so afraid, her eyes begging with me to protect her from this lunatic. And I couldn't even do that.

"You have a gun to my head, Manuel. Why would I lie to you now?"

_Please, God, don't shoot her._

My finger tightened on the trigger, but I couldn't get a clear shot, and I would not risk hurting her.

"I think that you're the one who's lying to me."

"You found Ramona with Carlos and you slit their throats."

Then I heard the most terrifying noise, and I watched in terror as both Olivia and Manuel hit the dirty concrete. It only took a second for me to finally move, and vaguely I was aware of my voice as I shouted for her and a bus. This couldn't be happening. Not now.

I dropped down beside her, and then I saw it. Blood. "Are you hit?" I grabbed her hand and squeezed it tightly.

Her voice sounded so small. "No, the blood's his."

Still, I couldn't resist pulling my hand out of hers and gently moving her jacket aside, just to be sure. She could have been hit, but not known it for the shock. When I was satisfied that she was in fact okay, I cradled her head in my hand and held her tightly to my chest. She shivered against me, and somewhere deep inside, I was screaming.

I looked up in the direction that the bullet had come from, and there was that bastard, Porter. He had taken the shot that could have taken my partner away from me forever, just to close a damn case. I glared at him and held onto Olivia tighter, as if I couldn't be certain that he wouldn't pull that trigger again.

She felt so small, so delicate in my arms, and the fact that she was shaking made it all the more clear to me that she was terrified and needed me to protect her. I rested my lips against her head in a subtle kiss, because this could be the only time that I might get to do it. I love her so damn much, but the ring on my left hand always prevented me from doing anything about it. And if that bullet had struck her, I could have lost her forever. My grip tightened on her ever so slightly.

Everything else faded away, and it was like we were the only two people left in the world. God, what I wouldn't give if she was mine... My fingers moved through her hair as I whispered to her, "You're okay, Liv. You're okay."

I'm not sure if those words were meant for her comfort or mine.

She looked up at me, and for a second, what I saw there was indescribable. Then she turned her head and buried her face in my shoulder, entrusting me to keep her completely safe.

I hadn't been doing a very good job of that lately.

Cragen crouched down beside us and met my eyes. "Is she okay?"

I nodded, absently stroking her soft hair. No thanks to me.

He nodded and stood up again, sensing that there was nothing left there for him to do. He trusted me, too. As much as Liv and I fight, I would never let anything hurt her. It's my job to protect her, and not just in the sense of being partners. It's everywhere, everyday. And I trust her in that same way. I know that she would do whatever it took to protect me, too. She had already proven that before.

A hand moved over my back, and I realized that it's her. She was the one who was almost killed, and she's trying to comfort me. I held her tighter, pulling her into my lap. Of course she would be trying to comfort me. She's just that kind of person. The kind of person that I try to be every day, but most of the time, I fall short.

Yet she's right there, catching me every single time. And I've been taking that for granted so badly. I don't deserve her, but I'm going to try to fix that somehow. I love Kathy, but it's not the same as it used to be. Our marriage has become one of convenience, but now that the twins are almost done with high school, something tells me that we won't have anything anymore.

I rocked Olivia back and forth, rubbing her back gently. The way I feel about her... She and my children are the only things that have kept me from eating my gun over the years. And I haven't been fair to her.

But that's all going to change.

It has to.

The End.

A/N: Angst, angst, angst. Next up, a complete AU to the story. Woo! Thanks for reading, and please remember to review!


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